DOMEOFGLASS.COM

Demonstrating for Peace or "Everybody Loves a Good War"

2012-02-09T05:00:00Z

    Four or five times a year, as I drive past Town Hall in Peterborough on my way to the Post Office, the front steps of the not-very-stately, not-particularly-time-honored red brick building are decorated with a modest flock of gray-haired ladies and balding gentlemen bearing placards with Picasso doves, peace symbols, and canned clichés ─ "Make Peace Not War," "All You Need Is Love," "Give Peace a Chance," and kindred crap.
    Like tattered scarecrows, these aging missionaries shuffle aimlessly around on creaking joints, mouthing an occasional aphorism, indulging in an occasional give-and-take with a random passerby come to sympathize or criticize.
    I imagine you’ve seen them in your own town or city, People With a Cause. And I’m sure you’ve driven by many a suburban lawn adorned with posters bearing similar sentiments.
    These "activists" as the press would have it, are not mere lonely voices pleading for decency and sanity in a world of savagery and chaos and shattered bodies and rape and brutality and sudden death. They are part of a great host of pious fools who believe they can wean our species from its eons-old propensity to organize and conduct those orgies of mass slaughter that English-speaking peoples refer to with that ugliest and most-echoing of words ─ WAR.
    Give Peace a Chance?
    Please...Give Me a Break!
    Humanity has been giving Peace a Chance since the dawn of time. But Peace, that ungrateful bastard, refuses to take advantage.
    Maybe those dedicated acolytes of the angels that demonstrate in front of Town Hall should redo their placards and their slogans. How about

GIVE WAR A CHANCE

MAKE WAR NOT PEACE

    Now that might bring some interesting results.
    Instead of appealing to mankind’s Better Nature ─ a quality that a cursory examination of literature, art, and history conclusively demonstrates to be nonexistent ─ these well-meaning proselytizers should try appealing to the race’s Worse Nature. Perhaps then, like disobedient children who, when ordered not to eat something, immediately do so when the parent’s back is turned, some good might eventuate given our species innate perversity.
    Alas! The way it stands, these self-anointed apostles of peace simply promote the very thing they claim to oppose. Not only are they preaching to the choir, but, worse yet, by swaddling their sermons in rabbit-skins of mindless religiosity, childish fable, and sanctimonious drivel ─ by basing their passionate pleas on imaginary treacle about man’s innate goodness ─ they only undermine any realistic attempts to prevent armed conflict.
    After millennia of history and pre-history stretching back to the dawn-world of our hominid ancestors, is it too much to ask that we, as adults, face facts and that those ambulatory scarecrows in front of Town Hall with their placards and slogans and exhibitionist fantasies, recognize one simple, central Human truth:

THE HUMAN ANIMAL IS ADDICTED TO WAR

    History is more or less a boring recounting of a boring succession of wars.
    The great majority of our most famous figures, many admired, some despised, are leaders who have presided over notorious episodes of destruction: Cyrus the Great, Alexander, Napoleon, Genghis Khan, Attila, Hernando Cortez, Washington, Robert E. Lee, Hitler, Abraham Lincoln, Julius Caesar, Hannibal, Josef Stalin, Franklin Roosevelt, Xerxes, Leonidas of Sparta, Winston Churchill.
    Civil War General William Tecumseh Sherman said, "War is Hell." The general knew what he was talking about ─  his famous observation was inspired by his own tactics which involved putting much of the South to the torch, including the city of Atlanta.
    Winston Churchill, that rare and unpopular pragmatist whose advice in the 1930s to stop Hitler in his tracks was attacked as warmongering by his peace-loving compatriots, once confessed, "There’s nothing so exhilarating as being shot at and missed."
    The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), a 6th century former merchant who currently is worshipped by hundreds of millions as God’s messenger, inspired his followers to wage war against infidels (everybody else) as a surefire way to get them to convert to the one true faith (his).
    As for our own Prince of Peace, Jesus Christ, Matthew quotes him as advising the crowd: "Do not think that I came to bring peace on Earth; I did not come to bring peace, but a sword" (Yeah, yeah. I know...I know. There’s disagreement in liturgical circles about exactly what Jesus meant by this remark, but a quick check of the history of Christianity in the years that followed indicates he meant exactly what he said.)

* * *

    It makes good reading in daily newspapers and entertaining broadcasts on the Military Channel, but all-in-all I don’t like war.
    I don’t even like killing spiders or houseflies, let alone people.
    I spent two of the most tedious and stupid years of my life in the service and the only thing I can say in its favor is that, as with Yossarian in Catch 22, time passed with such exquisite slowness ─ each day a month, each month a year ─ that I now wish my life today would move with comparable sluggishness.
    I’ve said before (Kids, Prejudice, and Traffic Lights) and I’ll say again. What the world needs is a traffic light to control mankind’s more murderous instincts ─ something that works ─ not slogan chanting and preaching and pink ribbons and asinine bumper stickers and Papal encyclicals and mushy sermons by self-appointed reverends and hate-filled diatribes by cannabis-sodden Marxist juveniles.
    Where will this magic stop light come from? Who will manufacture it now that Steve Jobs is dead? Beats the shit out of me. But this I do know ─ there’s no point in trying to remake human nature ─ human nature is not remakeable.
    It’s time we accept what we are and who we are; understand what we are and who we are.
    It’s time that we begin working within the narrow limits of the actual rather than the vast open spaces of the imaginary.
    I don’t give a fuck what the Bible says. Men are not a little lower than the angels ─ they’re a goddamn hundred or so stories below them,
    In the meantime, until something better comes along in a century or two or three, the best thing sane people and sane nations can do is stick to their guns, keep their powder dry, and pray that no nut tries to bust into their house with a Kalashnikov.

Norm Mack, Peterborough, dog@myfairpoint.com

Tom and Adolf

2012-02-02T05:00:00Z

Let’s start with Tom ─ Thomas Sowell ─ my favorite columnist and an outstanding socio-political thinker,
In an opinion piece published last week in the Manchester Union Leader, Dr. Sowell danced perilously close to denying the validity of that most sacrosanct of liberal shibboleths, namely

THERE ARE NO DIFFERENCES IN ABILITIES BETWEEN RACES, ETHNICITIES, SEXES, AND SOCIO-ECONOMIC CLASSES

This dogma, drilled into American children from grade school on, is one whose denial elicits in the liberal heart (at least for public consumption) the same murderous rage that blaspheming the Prophet elicits in the hearts of Muslims (at least for public consumption).
In his column, after noting that San Francisco area Asian-American students far outperformed all other groups in a recent national science competition, Dr. Sowell writes:

"...disproportionate representation of particular groups among those with special skills and achievements is not confined to Asian Americans or even to the United States...Gross inequalities in skills and achievements have been the rule, not the exception, on every inhabited continent and for centuries on end. Yet our laws and government policies act as if any significant statistical difference between racial or ethnic groups in employment or income can only be a result of their being treated differently by others."

By way of example, Dr. Sowell adduces, "...the Ibos in Nigeria, the Parsees in India, the Armenians in the Ottoman Empire, Germans in Brazil, Chinese in Malaysia, Lebanese in West Africa, Tamils in Sri Lanka. The list goes on and on."

Finally, he has this to say about the whiners and complainers, the Occupy Wall Street types:

"...disparities in achievement are resolutely ignored by those whose shrill voices denounce disparities in rewards, as if these disparities are somehow suspicious at best and sinister at worst. Higher achieving groups — whether classes, races or whatever — are often blamed for the failure of other groups to achieve...This can be a huge disservice to those individuals and groups who are lagging behind, for it leads them to focus on a sense of grievance and victimhood, rather than on how they can lift themselves up instead of trying to pull other people down."

    Although Dr. Sowell avoids any mention of "African-American" or "Black" or (heaven forbid) "Negro," his message is clear: Statistical disparities between various sub-populations are generally caused by disparities in ability, not by the straw men of prejudice, bigotry, and discrimination.
    What would happen if anyone other than a brilliant black scholar had voiced similar opinions?
    Just this: Whether the individual was a Supreme Court Justice, the President of Harvard University, a newspaper columnist, a television personality, a radio commentator, a sports broadcaster, a politician running for office, or a drunken Hollywood actor ─ he would be hauled before the Grand Inquisition Court of Political Correctness, forced to his knees, made to recant his heresy, and summarily deprived of his livelihood.
    And nary a squeak would be heard in his defense from his employers, his friends, his co-workers, his fellow professionals, or those stalwart guardians of our freedoms ─ the members of the press.

* * *

    How did this Orwellian proscription against rational thought come to plant its roots in America, "the land of the free and the home of the brave," a nation supposedly proud of its intellectual openness, its tolerance of dissent, its belief in the right to seek truth regardless of where such exploration might lead?
    For the answer, one need go back no further than 75 years when Adolf Hitler, that quintessence of evil, and his ovine flock of fellow sadists and murderers ─ the German people ─ began their 10-year reign of terror against civilization itself.
    Among the many toxic legacies of the Führer were the mutation of his very name into a synonym for depravity, and the enshrinement of his beliefs in a sort of anti-matter Ten Commandments ─ an unholy text, handed down from Satan Himself ─ that spelled out all the sins that faithful acolytes of malevolence and corruption must obey if they aspire to the Kingdom of Hell.
    First among these Commandments, of course, was the Austrian necrophiliac’s racial ravings, namely, that all human beings, other than pure-blooded Germans, must either be enslaved or exterminated.
    In today’s America, and increasingly throughout Western society, we see our moral and legal structures founded not on any rational basis, but, instead, on the rejection of whatever Adolf Hitler happened to advocate. Nowhere is this more apparent or more pernicious than in matters of race.
    As Dr. Sowell puts it, "Politicians and intellectuals, especially, tend to conceive of social questions in terms that allow them to take on the role of being on the side of the angels against the forces of evil."
    In particular, it is the inverse of that Hitlerian First Commandment that has led to the absurdity of so many of our laws and institutions and to so much of our ideology ─ school busing, job quotas, affirmative action, "No Child Left Behind," "Title IX," dumbed down police and fire department tests, scholarships based on race and ethnicity rather than intellect and ability, colleges that no longer challenge their students lest one group outperform another, endless discrimination lawsuits that do little other than enrich lawyers and prevent corporations from firing incompetents and ne'er-do-wells.

•Hitler is rumored to have put on his trousers one leg at a time. Should we Americans henceforth purchase trampolines so that we can leap into our pants with both hind legs at once?
•Hitler was fond of dogs. Should we send Chihuahuas to the gas chamber?
•Hitler had a mustache. Should we imprison men with facial hair?
•Hitler instituted the development of a "People’s Car." Should we demand the destruction of all Volkswagens?
•Hitler ordered autobahns to be built. Should we tear up our Interstate Highway system?
•Hitler smashed through Europe with his Panzers and Stukas. Should we scrap out Stealth Bombers and Abrams tanks and issue Civil War muskets to the troops?

    Granted...Der Führer is odds-on favorite to win a contest for the most evil and detestable human being who ever walked on the face of this earth. But no nation or group or individual can or should pattern its behavior on simply doing the opposite of whatever some murderous sociopath or other happened to preach.
    By refusing to acknowledge ─ or even consider ─ the possibility of significant differences between groups of people, we do a profound disservice not only to free thought and the spirit of impartial scientific investigation, but, above all, to the many racial, ethnic, and social groups that make up this country of ours.
    Every group has its strengths and weaknesses, its areas of outstanding achievement and, yes, its areas of outstanding failure.
    No progress will ever be made, no good will ever come, from a refusal to face the truth, from the rejection of dispassionate inquiry, or from quasi-religious dogmas enforced by the High Priests of Political Correctness.

Norm Mack, Peterborough, dog@myfairpoint.net

You can check out Dr. Sowell’s columns for yourself at http://www.tsowell.com/

Advertising Exposés

2012-01-26T13:00:00Z

The staff of Dome of Glass, supported by a vast army of lawyers, statisticians, aromatherapists, and Occupy Peterborough activists has initiated an investigation of claims broadcast on television and various other mind-numbing media by the country’s leading business, governmental, and charitable organizations.
Now, after several days and nights of blood, toil, tears, sweat, and absinthe, Dome of Glass is issuing some preliminary results.

DOES AMERICA RUN ON DUNKIN’ DONUTS?

Overview

Number of commercials watched: 768
Number of Dunkin’ Donuts outlets visited: 26
Number of donuts purchased: 625

Methodology

    Norm Mack’s rusting 1996 Ford Ranger pickup volunteered to act as test subject.
    A variety of Dunkin’ Donuts’s donuts (Bavarian Kreme, Dolce de Chocolate, Guaybata Burst, Lemon Meringue Pie, Maple Frosted, Pina Colada, Reverse Boston Kreme, Strawberry Frosted, Triple Cocoa, etc.) were purchased at great expense and introduced singly or in groups into the truck’s gas tank The engine was started periodically and the resultant exhaust fumes and engine noises measured and noted.
    After the 317th donut had had worked its way through the fuel line, the vehicle’s tiny four-cylinder engine coughed a few times and finally gave up the ghost. Insertion of additional donuts failed to revive the machine and Mack and his family were forced to consume the remaining donuts themselves.

Conclusion

America does not run on Dunkin'’ Donuts. It runs mostly on gasoline and antacid tablets.

Note: Repairs to the test vehicle came to several times the vehicle’s Blue Book value.

DOES THE EVEREADY BUNNY JUST KEEP GOING AND GOING?

Overview

Number of Commercials watched: 1,222
Number of Commercials viewed to completion:7
Number of Everready Energizer batteries purchased: 0

Methodology

    Project Veritas, the infamous conservative group responsible for a number of "stings" in New Hampshire and elsewhere, was hired to infiltrate the Eveready factory in the Chinese industrial suburb of Xiang’tin-guong.
    The Veritas operatives, dressed in drag, identified themselves as a team of New York Times reporters and explained to a mid-level Chinese marketing executive that they were there to interview the Eveready Bunny.
    After full-body searches, delousing, and the traditional presentation of bribe money, the Veritas operatives were led to an underground cavern containing thousands of Eveready Bunnies, all but one of them windup toys. (The exception was a genuine rabbit that was dead.)

Conclusion

The Eveready Energizer Bunny does not just keep going and going and going. In fact, few Eveready Bunnies make it through an entire commercial shoot without crapping out.

Note: You can obtain your own Eveready Energizer Bunny from Amazon.com, Ebay, and other fine outlets.

            The beloved fucking Eveready Energizer Bunny (left) and the semiretired not so beloved
                and not so fucking fire-fighting Smokey Bear of the U. S. Forest Service are both frauds.

IS IT TRUE THAT ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT FOREST FIRES?

Overview

Number of Forests visited: 1
Number of bears interviewed: 4 (not counting six weanlings)
Number of facial lacerations and clawings suffered: 18

Methodology

    Norm Mack, accompanied by two of his less intelligent offspring, ventured into the adjacent Shieling Forest Preserve the morning after last October’s snowstorm. In the course of the day a number of bears were unearthed, so to speak. All proved to be annoyed at the intrusion having just begun their winter hibernation. (One specimen, a fully developed boar bear of an estimated 600 pounds, became so testy that the investigating team had to beat a hasty retreat to Mack’s house and lock themselves in the basement vault.)
    With the partial (i.e., complete) failure of the interview process, and the sun starting to sink slowly in the sullen and storm-sodden southwest sky, the investigationers abandoned the bear interviews and began scattering lit matches in the snow.
    All the matches fizzled out.

Conclusion

It is clear that snow ─ and by extension, heavy rainfall as well ─ can prevent forest fires at least as efficiently as You. Moreover, there is evidence that bears, through their ability to ward off potential arsonists and all other forms of life, are themselves effective forest-fire preventers regardless of whether or not they wear ranger hats,.

IS MAXWELL HOUSE COFFEE GOOD TO THE LAST DROP?

Overview

Number of commercials watched: 0
Number of drops of coffee consumed: 2,467
Number of last drops of coffee consumed: 43

Methodology

Norm Mack’s wife, the mother of his seven children who still maintains her girlish figure, was blindfolded, shackled on a kitchen stool, and presented with the day-old dregs of 43 different brands of coffee. The samples were force-fed to her sequentially in identical little plastic cups of the sort that come with bottles of Pepto-Bismol.
After returning from the Emergency room at Monadnock Community Hospital, Mrs. Mack was asked which dreg she considered "Good." "They all tasted like shit," she said, "and don’t ever pull anything like that on me again or you’ll be hearing from my lawyer."

Conclusion

Although no last drop of any brand of coffee stood out as superior (or inferior) to the rest, it is safe to say that none of them, including Maxwell House, could claim to be good to the last drop unless one tortures the word "Good" into meaning "Tastes like shit."

* * *

A number of other famous slogans are currently under investigation.

    "A mind is a terrible thing to waste" (United Negro College Fund). Several African-American multimillionaires, among them Terrell Owens, Dennis Rodman, Plaxico Burress, and Barack Obama, have been texted with the multiple-choice question:
    Do you believe a mind is a terrible thing to waste?
        (a) Absolutely
        (b) Your guess is as good as mine
        (c) Fuck off man
        (d) Would you mind repeating the question?

    "The Breakfast of Champions" (Wheaties). A list of more than 43,000 known losers who participated in the recent spate of Occupy This and That media events is being sifted to see if any eat Wheaties for breakfast.

"Visa - It's everywhere you want to be" (Visa Credit Card Company). An in-depth study of male high school and college students who have been unsuccessful in "getting lucky" with members of the opposite sex is currently underway. Preliminary results indicate that a Visa card would be the last item they’d want to come across when and if they reach their target..

"Eight out of ten cats prefer it" (Whiskas Cat Food). This one is proving a tough nut (or cat) to crack since it requires interviews with a random sample of at least 2,500 adult cats in order to arrive at a statistically valid result. I mean it’s tough enough to round up one cat let alone 2,500. And have you ever tried communicating with a cat? You’ll be lucky if you can keep it from ripping your face open or crapping on your living room rug let alone having a fruitful conversation.

Norm Mack, Peterborough, dog@myfairpoint.net

News From the World of Crap Science

2012-01-19T13:00:00Z

    In a dramatic breakthrough of almost no significance, two of the world’s leading crap scientists ─ one-time fashion model David Hemenway of Harvard University and Israeli smell researcher, Noam Sobel ─ have joined forces in a lavishly-funded, interdisciplinary series of useless studies.
    In his most recent assault on common sense, Prof. Hemenway, (DOG 12/8/2011) proved that crime among Boston’s Black and Hispanic youths was caused by sugary soft drinks. The professor is now working an hour or two a day to determine the comparative CTI (Crime Toxicality Index) of a 12-ounce can of Coca Cola vs. a tall glass of iced tea with four lumps of sugar.
    Smultaneous with Dr. Hemenway’s groundbreaking gibberish, his compeer in nonsensical research, Prof. Sobel (DOG 2/8/2011), world-unrenowned neurobiologist with the Weizmann Institute of Science in Israel, discovered that an epidemic of erectile dysfunction among Jewish males (and the consequent low reproductive rate of non-Hasidic Jews) was not, as many had speculated, due to the bitchiness of Jewish females, but rather to the aroma of the tears secreted by said bitchy Jewish females. Prof. Sobel’s team is currently engaged in correlating the TOM (Turn-Off Magnitude) of Hebraic female tears with the position of the female subjects in their menstrual cycles.

* * *

    The new, massively ludicrous effort to be headed by the two savants along with their dedicated and unpaid staffs of young, attractive, coed graduate students is aimed at solving almost all of the world’s deepest and most trivial mysteries.
    Negotiations among Prof. Sobel’s mother, Bella Abzug, Prof. Hemenway’s agent, Scott Boras, and President Obama’s science czar, Al Sharpton, are nearing completion on the 10-year, $795 million exercise in pseudo-science.
    In preparation, Dr. Hemenway has purchased a seven million dollar Key Biscayne research facility with five bedrooms, eight bathrooms, and a seagoing yacht for himself, his family, and Damian, his belovéd Weimaraner attack dog.
    No less farsighted, Dr. Sobel has transferred his stocks, bonds, jewelry, and cash to a Swiss bank in the event that Iran goes nuclear.
    Here’s a roster of some of the more significant problems with which the two men will be grappling:

Given: The death rate due to motorcycle crashes is much higher among men and women who wear black-leather jackets with death’s-head emblems
To Prove: Motorcycle crashes are caused by black-leather jackets with death’s-head emblems

Given: Accidental shootings in New Hampshire and Vermont peak during hunting season among people wearing blaze orange jock straps.
To Prove: Blaze orange jock straps cause gunshot wounds.

Given: There are no Indonesian dwarfs in Baseball’s Hall of Fame.
To Prove: The Baseball Writer’s Association discriminates against Indonesians.

Given: Marketing experts claim that rock music and the sound of a synthesized drum beat at the frequency of a human heart result in dramatic increases in sales of Yodels and Zumba Dancing in supermarkets and on television infomercials.
To Prove: Rock music and the sound of a synthesized drum beat at the frequency of a human heart result in dramatic increases in Yodel sales and encourage fat ladies to take up Zumba Dancing because marketing experts say so.

Given: People say they dislike the smell of rotten eggs but nevertheless surreptitiously fart in crowded elevators, hardware stores, libraries, and commuter trains.
To Prove: People like the smell of rotten eggs.

Given: Cats do not have opposable thumbs yet there are more cats in America than people.
To Prove: Opposable thumbs are stupid

Given: Two and a Half Men continues to be popular even though Ashton Kutcher has replaced Charlie Sheen.
To Prove: Two and a Half Men would close in a month without Jon Cryer

Given: Most Hunk-type actors sport several days worth of strubble on their faces.
To Prove: Females prefer to mate with males who have stubble on their faces, however, too much stubble is a turnoff unless the male is rich and massively hung.

Given: The New York Times distorts its news coverage because most of its readers are Liberals.
To Prove: Most of The New York Times readers are Liberals because the newspaper distorts its news coverage.

Given: Most stabbing incidents by inner city youths involve the use of knives.
To Prove: Knives force inner city youths to stab people.

Given: Most shooting incidents by inner city youths involve the use of guns.
To Prove: Eating McDonald’s fries forces inner city youths to shoot people.

    Although there was some initial disagreement between the two distinguished phonies as to the make-up of the sample populations to be interviewed, they reached a good-natured compromise over martinis and kreplach during a Harvard Club tête-à-tête in Cambridge, Massachusetts.
    Dr. Hemenway will present his in-depth questionnaires to the few surviving members of the 1,878 Boston inner city youths whose carbonated soda intake he recently probed.
    Dr. Sobel has agreed to conduct his research at various locales in the Caribbean and South Pacific where large numbers of young, nubile, scantily-clad Israeli chicks are known to vacation.

Norm Mack, Peterborough, dog@myfairpoint.net

Mitt's the Man

2012-01-12T13:00:00Z

    Forget about ridiculous crap like whether Candidate A dodged the draft 40 years ago or whether Candidate B is a Mormon or whether Candidate C has been divorced and remarried or whether Candidate D smoked pot in Middle School in the 1960s or whether Candidate E changed his position on abortion rights or whether Candidate F was brain-washed into adopting a Chinese child.
    There is but one overriding consideration when selecting a Republican candidate from the six-man sampler box ─ Can he defeat the current Jackass in Chief.
    In that regard, Mitt Romney easily comes out on top. He’s the country’s best hope for getting rid of the weak, lazy, stupid, immature, irresponsible, asshole who currently naps in the White House between vacations, parties, golf dates, and fund raisers.
    Here’s a snapshot of the five non-Romneys in the race:

● Rick Perry, Jon Huntsman, Rick Santorum: All three are lightweights whose time is either past (Perry), never was (Huntsman) or is yet to be (Santorum). Each would face a daunting uphill battle in a contest against well-funded Hollywood-hero and media-darling Obama.

● Newt Gingrich: The former Speaker of the House of Representatives carries a steamer trunk of baggage on his back from his many years as a political lightening rod for the know-nothing left. A decent and intelligent man, an experienced politician, he would nevertheless be savaged by the mass media and the Letterman-SNL-Stephen Colbert axis of pseudo-wits. As a result he would be confronted with the impossible task of refuting an endless sequence of attacks and innuendoes ─ some based on reality, most fabricated ─ against his outspoken persona and his unavoidably long record of policy stances..

● Ron Paul: This elderly, soft-spoken chap amounts to an anti-matter version of Howard Dean ─ a would-be man on horseback with a hard-core constituency of Jew haters, racists, and right-wing fellow travelers that do not understand how easy it is to trash past policies, but how difficult it is to come up with coherent alternatives. With every imaginable special interest group unalterably opposed to him ─ Blacks, Homosexuals, Pro-Lifers, Jews, Big City Intelligentsia, Hispanics, Unions, Teachers, Activist Students ─ Paul would be crushed just as poor Barry Goldwater ─ a far better man ─ was crushed in 1964 by Lyndon Johnson.

    In a normal election cycle it might make sense to judge candidates on the basis of their stands on various more or less significant issues of the day ─ the size of the military, the national debt, social security reform, health care reform, abortion rights, gay rights, job creation, tax reform, and so on.
    In the upcoming general election these concerns fade into inconsequence when stacked up against the one great concern ─ getting rid of Barack Obama ─ a man disastrously unfit for the job that a feckless electorate voted him into three years ago, a man who is, without doubt, the most Incompetent chief executive in the country’s history (and with Jimmy Carter still fresh in memory, that’s quite an achievement).
    So "Issues" be damned.
    Issues emerge on the Eastern horizon like vast images out of Spiritus Mundi only to melt and vanish a year or two later like the snows of yesteryear. On the long Interstate Highway of history, the seemingly burning questions of today will become nothing more than footnotes that no one reads in some pedant’s college text gathering dust in the stacks of the New York Public Library.
    Remember the Alamo? You mean the auto rental agency? How about the Maine? The main what?
    Nobody gives a shit anymore about Santa Ana and Davy Crockett and William Randoph Hearst, about whether we’re going to "Crucify mankind upon a cross of gold," about "54-40 or Fight," about School Busing, about "Manifest Destiny," about "Seward’s Folly," about the Missouri Compromise, about the Smoot-Hawley Act, about César Chavez and his table grapes.
    This is not an election about issues ─ Should we attack Iran? Should we pull out of Afghanistan? Should Roe vs. Wade be overturned? Should Gays get Married? Should we repeal Obamacare?
    It is an election about getting rid of an utterly Incompetent chief executive and replacing him with a man with strength, an open mind, a moral compass, and, above all, Competence..
    Mitt Romney, by his demeanor, his personality, his track record in business and government, and his performance in the furnace of TV debates, has shown that he meets these criteria.

* * *

    Will Mitt be an exciting president?
    God, I hope not.
    Will he drastically alter the status quo, set the nation on dramatic new paths, establish American suzerainty over the nations of the world, eliminate income differentials, resolve the Arab-Israeli conflict, rehabilitate Charlie Sheen, end unemployment, cut taxes, balance the budget, cure cancer, rein in Communist China, make us energy independent, eliminate greenhouse gases, resuscitate the housing industry, bring universal peace to the world, reform the United Nations, solve the immigration problem, win the war on drugs, make Mexico the 51st state?
    Afraid not.
    Such accomplishments are the preserve of charismatic shamans and mystical wonder workers, of glittering godlings, of the Kwisatz Haderach (Barack Obama) and his consort, the Bene Gesserit Mother (Michelle), mistress of the weirding ways.

* * *

    So what’ll it be America?
    Four more years of proxy government controlled by the string-pullers of a marionette president?
    Or a return to government based on the boring realities of pragmatism, common sense, good management, and competence?

Norm Mack, Peterborough, dog@myfairpoint.net

The Case of the Airborne Asian

2012-01-05T13:00:00Z

    Many people, on the surface tolerant and politically correct, when in private and drinking heavily evidence an antipathy bordering on hatred toward lawyers and their corollary brethren such as judges, politicians, used car salesmen, and sneak thieves.
    In defense of the judiciary and the legal profession ─ as well as other dedicated and wealthy members of the criminal class ─ we must bear in mind the wise old chestnut: "It’s a dirty business, but somebody has to do it."
    Although it is not at all obvious why "somebody has to do it," I nevertheless feel that judges and lawyers should be accorded the same consideration and revulsion reserved for those engaged in other unpleasant activities such as undertakers and proctologists.
    Ask yourself ─ where would Jimmy Carter be today if not for his many government-sponsored visits to his favorite colorectal surgeon to have a camera shoved up his ass?
    But regardless of whether or not judges, attorneys, politicians, and Jimmy Carter are essential to the world’s well-being, there is no question that they are often required to make decisions that may have far-reaching and dire implications for humanity yet hinge on the finest and most ridiculous of logical hairs.
    Such was the recent gut-wrenching matter of Hiroyuki Joho’s flying body parts.
    Not since Solomon recommended chopping a baby in half to settle an ownership dispute between two ladies has there been such a tendentious, not to say disgusting, legal issue.
    Here are the facts according to the Chicago Tribune:

    In 2008, Hiroyuki Joho, 18, was hurrying in the pouring rain with an umbrella over his head, trying to catch an inbound Metra train at the Edgebrook station that was due to arrive in about five minutes when he was struck by a southbound Amtrak train traveling at more than 70 mph.
    Several witnesses said he was smiling at them as the train hit him.
    A large portion of his body was thrown about 100 feet onto the southbound platform, where it struck Gayane Zokhrabov, then 58 [that would make her 61 now, if you’re too lazy or stupid to do the math ─ Ed.] who was waiting to catch the 8:17 a.m. train to work. She was knocked to the ground, her leg and wrist broken and her shoulder injured. A Cook County judge dismissed Zokhrabov’s lawsuit against Joho’s estate, finding that Joho could not have anticipated Zokhrabov’s injuries.
    A state appeals court, after noting that the case law involving "flying bodies" is sparse, has disagreed, ruling that "it was reasonably foreseeable" that the high-speed train would kill Joho and fling his body down the tracks toward a platform where people were waiting.
    Leslie Rosen, who handled Zokhrabov’s appeal, said while the circumstances of the case were "very peculiar and gory and creepy," it ultimately was a straightforward negligence case, no different than if a train passenger had been injured after the engineer hit the brakes. "If you do something as stupid as this guy did you have to be responsible for what comes from it," she said.
    Joho’s mother, Jeung-Hee Park, who had just dropped him off before the accident, filed her own lawsuit against Metra and the Canadian Pacific Railway. The lawsuit said both entities were negligent because Joho had no warning that what he thought was his Metra train was actually an express Amtrak train.

    Clearly, the only person in full possession of his or her faculties in the entire sordid affair was Leslie Rosen, Madame Zokhrabov’s lawyer, who used the straightforward English words "creepy" and "stupid" rather than resorting to legal crap such as a certiorari, habeas corpus, amicus curiae, nolo contendere, and nexium.
    Although the names of the distinguished members of the judicial panel have been censored to protect them from reprisal by enraged Korean émigrés, it is my opinion (without any evidence whatsoever) that the bench was influenced by the fact that Lawyer Rosen is what is known in legal circles as "hot." (I have it on no authority, that one panelist, Judge "X," was seen making out with Leslie in the back seat of his Mercedes and that requests by Mr. Joho’s corpse to recuse Judge X in vitro were refused in vino veritas.)

   A Google of "Leslie Rosen" yielded this clip. Is it any wonder the judges found in favor of her client?

    Because the deceased’s bank account is not yet exhausted and a large portion of his line of credit with Citibank MasterCard remains untapped, there will be a series of appeals right up to and through the Illinois’ Semi-Supreme Court, the Illinois’ Higher Supreme Court, and the Illinois’ Double Secret Supreme Court with justice Rod Blagojevich presiding.
    Should these lower court appeals not produce the desired results, Madame Jeung-Hee Park’s team of ex-KGB agents is prepared to run the case through the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals, the United States Supreme Court, the Permanent Court of International Justice in the Hague, and, should all else fail, to Judge Judy herself.
    Since the defendant in the case of Zokhrabov v. Joho’s Entrails is a mutilated corpse, the Joho team has settled on famed dead O. J. Simpson Dream Team lawyer Johnnie Cochran (b. October 2, 1937 – d. March 29, 2005) to act as lead cadaver in the appeals process.
    Mr. Cochran's ghost graciously consented to an interview with Dome of Glass.
    Speaking with the aid of the well-known medium, Madame Defarge of French Revolution fame, Mr. Cochran outlined his plan of action.
    "We gonna focus ourself on the size, velocities, and types of Mistah Joho’s body parts which ‘legedly struck the bitch. Y’ followin’ me?
    "Wuz they goin’ five miles a hour? Ten miles a hour? Fifty miles a hour?
    "Wuz they a cop with a legalized radar gun or some such in th’ vicinity? Y’ followin’ me?
    "Wuz the cop a member of an authorizing minority or wuz he some kinda honky bigot prick that have it in for people of color, like brown or tan or yellow or orange or whatsomever like myself? Y’ followin’ me?
    "An’ ‘nother thin’ ─ Did he give th’ Miranda rights to Mistah Joho’s pieces whilst they wuz still airborne?
    "An’ like even more importantly, jus’ what percentilage of Mistah Joho’s body parts wuz shootin’ an’ zoomin’ ‘bout through th’ air?
    "An ‘nother thin’, like, I mean why dint the dumb bitch duck outta th’ way when a nose or elbow or ass-bone wuz headed her direction?
    "Like if th’ gook’s skullcase an a bunch o’ other attached shit wuz comin towards the cunt, you’d think she’d have the smarts t’ drop flat or leastwise turn her back ‘stead o’ takin’ it full in th’ belly or armpit or whatsomever. Y’ followin’ me?
    "An’ ‘nother thin’.─ how wuz Mistah Joho s’posed to know which, y’know, organs an’ bones and tissues of hisself is gonna be pointin’ theyselves toward Miz Zumbach or ZumZum or Zuckerman or whatsomever the fuck the mo fo be callin’ herself?
    "Y’ followin’ me? Like s’pose it be nuthin’ more than some kinda spongy lung stuff or mebbe some hunks o’ pancras or liver or mebbe th’ guys balls an’ dick unit or somethin’? Won’t do nuthin’ harmful to the ho but maybe squish her titties and mess her up her dress a bit, y’know."
    "Ah mean, mebbe we ‘gree t’ pay the cleanin’ bill, y’know, jus’ to shut the whole fuckin’ jumbalaya down outta court, y’know. But if th’ bitch think she gonna get her Rooski claws into Mistah Joho’s pants pocket which nobody know where the fuck it is anyhow, she got another think comin'.
    "An’ like what ‘bout th’ umbrella? Did it mebbe impinge upon Zabriskie or Zimbum or whatsomever the bitch name be an’ get itself damaged? Them Ko-reens got a claim right there, y’know, for unauthorized damagin’.
    "Like Ah always say, 'If th' 'brella be trash, they gotta pay cash.'
    "Y’ followin’ me?"

Norm Mack, Peterborough, dog@myfairpoint.net

Jonah Goldberg on the Year that Was

2012-01-04T18:57:18Z

The following bitter and incisive wrap-up of the year 2011 was written by syndicated columnist Jonah Goldberg, editor-at-large of National Review Online and a visiting fellow at the American Enterprise Institute. You can reach Jonah at JonahsColumn@aol.com, or tweet him at Twitter@JonahNRO.

2011 Was Defined by the Words of Charlie Sheen
By Jonah Goldberg

YOU’LL RECALL that 2011 began with the oafish actor Charlie Sheen celebrating his own narcotic and sexual "crapulence" like a victorious gladiator working the crowds. He was egged on by a media with as much decency as the cons on the top tiers of the prison who chant "fresh fish" as the new inmates walk into general pop, their eyes stinging from delousing powder. Sheen succeeded at turning his own debasement into a national pseudo-event by calling the very definition of losing "winning."
    And that’s what 2011 was all about: pretending to be winning while really losing.
    Sheen’s Hollywood compatriots played the same game.
    Kim Kardashian, fresh from the "success" of her sex tape, parlayed her celebrity into a "classy" wedding that netted her millions and 72 days of marital bliss. Poor Lindsay Lohan, meanwhile, merely found victories in reduced jail time.
    Speaking of jail time, former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich started the year by trying to translate his crimes into a lucrative career as a reality-show star and ended it with a prison sentence.
    In January, a deranged madman killed a bunch of people in Arizona and horribly wounded Rep. Gabrielle Giffords. It was a true tragedy, disgustingly exploited by liberals who saw it as the perfect opportunity to demonize political opponents. Against the weight of logic, facts and decency, allegedly serious people claimed that a map on Sarah Palin’s Facebook page inspired the shooter.
    The Tucson tragedy also let Barack Obama deliver perhaps the best speech of his presidency — on the need to tone down the extreme rhetoric on both sides. Alas, when liberals lecture "both sides," they mean, "Everyone who disagrees with me should shut up."
    By summer, Democratic operatives and liberal New York Times columnists alike (a subtle distinction, I know) were decrying Republicans as "hostage takers" (Obama) and "terrorists" (Joe Biden) and the Tea Party as "the Hezbollah faction" of the GOP (NYT columnist Tom Friedman) with nary a peep of protest from the champions of civility.
    Speaking of protest, consider the Occupy Wall Street movement. Not since the Hebrews killed themselves at Masada has there been a group that more obviously won by losing. Of course, the Jews at Masada were freedom fighters battling Roman imperialism. The Occupy Wall Streeters think they’re fighting imperialism when they throw a tantrum about having to pay their debts.
    The Occupy movement’s meager tangible accomplishments (We recycled our own urine!) are inversely correlated with their lavish press coverage. The protesters were named Time magazine’s person of the year. Though in fairness, Time diluted its sycophancy by including the Arab Spring protesters who’ve (so far) ushered in a glorious new era of Islamism in places like Egypt. Winning!
    (Though perhaps not as clear cut a "win" as President Obama’s decision to declare political victory and pull our troops out of Iraq prematurely, so we can lose a war we sacrificed so much to win.)
    Back home, Tea Party politicians who truly won historic midterm election victories are cast as dangerous losers. The Occupiers lost their bongs and yurts to bulldozers in cities across America, but museums around the country are nonetheless desperate to acquire authentic Occupy movement artifacts to commemorate their glorious but unspecified successes. Unfortunately, the tea partiers cannot work the refs of history this way because they clean up their mess after they get together.
    No word if the Smithsonian collected some genuine Occupier scat to be preserved next to the alleged specimens from the Yeti and Sasquatch. Lord knows they left enough behind for others to scoop.
    And so it goes. The economy continued to languish while the President declared victory over a depression that never was and touted himself as the most legislatively successful President ever — with the "possible exceptions" of FDR, LBJ and Lincoln.
    Meanwhile, we are approaching the third year of the long winter Obama once celebrated as a "recovery summer." Its chief selling points are an unemployment rate statistically lowered by more Americans giving up hope of finding a job, and the claim that millions of jobs have been "created or saved." This bogus locution allows Obama to claim every job he doesn’t destroy as a win.
    And let us not forget the Republicans, whose feckless squad of A-Team candidates stayed on the bench for fear of joining the mosh pit of cannibalism the primary has become, setting the stage for a potential loss in 2012 that not even Charlie Sheen will be able to spin as a victory.

Norm Mack, Peterborough, dog@myfairpoint.net

The Hunting Mystique

2011-12-29T13:00:00Z

This story came my way the other day via the E-mail grapevine. It set me thinking:

A professor was giving a lecture on Involuntary Muscular Contractions to a class of medical students.
Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She thought for a moment before replying, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."

In his weekly column, "Woods, Water & Wildlife" in the Manchester Union Leader, John Harrigan occasionally defends the hunting subset of humanity by pointing out the hypocrisy of critics who castigate people that indulge in blood-sports, but themselves dine on steaks, pork chops, and roast turkey; relax on davenports upholstered in fine Italian leather; hold their pants up with cow-hide belts, and stow their credit cards, cosmetics, emergency tampons, and spare change in handbags crafted out of calf-skin.
In a recent column about tender-hearted folk who are outraged by north country residents hanging their kills in the backyard prior to butchering them, Mr. Harrigan writes:

I cannot understand why people have a problem with deer carcasses hanging in the yard. Sure, it’s a dead animal. But it came from here, lived its life here, died here and will be used here.
Contrast that life with feedlot beef. Or pigs. Or lambs.
What is it with the public’s seeing dead animals?
Most people eat dead animals but never see them.
With vegetarians, I’m ready to give some slack.
Still, I want to look at their belts, their pocketbooks and their shoes.

    On the face of it, John is absolutely right. It’s absurd for passers-by to weep over the slaughter of noble stags or pretty little pheasants when they'll be scarfing down veal roulades or Rock Cornish game hen in the evening.
    So what’s wrong with his argument, if anything?
    Just this: The issue is not what hunters do. It is why they do it.
    Consider the deer hunter.
    Granted...venison steak is a tasty dish that I, on occasion, have ordered in restaurants.
    Granted...there may be a few intrepid gentlemen in Maine and Vermont and New Hampshire who hop on their skimobiles or ATV’s and freeze their balls off in the northern woods each autumn for the sole purpose of stocking their freezers with moose or deer.
    But for a majority of hunters, the activity is a sport. Despite claims to the contrary, it is not, as with primitive peoples, an activity motivated by the harsh realities of survival.
    Moreover, it is hard to believe that coughing up your lottery winnings to the state fish and game authority for a hunting permit; donating a few thousand to Cabela's for rifle, ammo, boots, and camouflage outfit; and paying some local yokel to butcher, process and package the carcass is a cost-effective way to provide nourishment for yourself and your more-or-less loved ones.
    In short, the incentive for nailing prey with a rifle or shotgun or bow and arrow is not necessity or economy, but because it gives pleasure to the hunter analogous to the feeling Albert Pujols gets when he connects for a home run or someone engaged in the act of fucking achieves when he has an orgasm.
    Wolves do not hunt for fun, they hunt to eat. Lions do not hunt for fun, they hunt to eat. Grizzly bears do not hunt for fun, they hunt to eat.
    Men hunt because it’s a kick.
    People employed in the meat and leather goods industries do not get a charge out of slaughtering livestock (and if they do, they’d best be locked up in the loony bin lest they expand their repertory to other species such as puppies, kitty cats, and young ladies). There is no passion or pleasure or challenge involved when stockyard employees slaughter an animal. It’s a bloody, dirty. stinking business, an unpleasant occupation born of mankind’s yen for meat, trouser supports, and snappy shoes.
    I’m aware that there is a large community of jerks who fantasize that a primeval instinct for slaughtering wildlife beats deep within the breasts of true men.
    A famous spokesman for this school of thought, that obnoxious, self-promoting bully Ernest Hemingway, held that the measure of a man was mystically dependant on his ability to blow out the brains of a charging water buffalo or run a sword through the jugular of a tortured, bleeding, exhausted bull.
    Old Papa Ernie wrote lots and lots of macho crap over the years, picking up a Nobel Prize along the way, before employing his shooting skills on a different sort of target ─ himself.
    In similar fashion the hunting clan likes to pretend that freezing one’s nuts off on a tree-platform while waiting for a moose to wander by so that he can blast it to kingdom come with his thousand dollar .308 Win Ruger M77 Hawkeye Sporter is proof of his masculinity and affirmation of some sort of antediluvian Y-chromosome hunting instinct.
    Bullshit.
    All those overweight farts who think that lurking in the brush and plonking some dull-witted herbivore from 100 yards away is an act of machismo don’t have a clue as to what risk, danger, fear, and courage is all about. These assholes belong to the same club as the idiots who inhale Camel cigarettes, eschew seat belts, and then tank up on beer and flaunt their alcohol bravery by philosophizing to nodding fellow morons, "Hey, man, you can get killed crossing the street," or "Listen, man, if the bullet's got your number on it..."
    Yeah. Right.
    Well hey, man, and listen up, man ─ all you Heineken heroes with compound bows and high-powered rifles and pump-action shotguns ─ here’s a challenge. Go to some nearby rock face ─ Rumney, say, or even the little cliff at Pawtuckaway ─ and try one of the sissy climbs ─ Three Pines at the Gunks, for example. One thing, though, do it free ─ no rope, no ‘biners, no pro. I guarantee it’ll give you a real rush, even if you forget to bring an AK47. You might even discover what genuine sport and genuine kick are all about..

Norm Mack, Peterborough, dog@myfairpoint.net

A Litany of Bitches II: Road Rage

2011-12-22T13:00:00Z

    A post I put up several months ago, "A Litany of Bitches," catalogued everyday vexations that piss off most people. Gripes included such antisocial behavior as neighbors who run their leaf blowers at 7 a.m. Sunday mornings and self-important asses who bellow on cell phones inside supermarkets, Starbucks, and airport waiting areas.
    A discussion of the article during a noisy, semi-drunken Thanksgiving Day caucus among two daughters, one son, and myself soon devolved into an exchange of beefs about infuriating highway behavior.
    It would seem from the passion and quantity of complaints, that the motoring public is responsible for a whole roster of modern-day psychological and physical ailments that afflict my family including dementia, paranoia, coprolalia, agita, erectile dysfunction, incontinence, and the New York Times.
    Here is the cream, as it were, of the rich lode of bitches culled from our Thanksgiving Day debate as well as subsequent discussions with my wife and further conversations with myself.

I HATE...

...Drivers who suddenly brake on narrow two-lane roads to let a pedestrian cross at a non-authorized crossing. I suppose these assholes think they’re performing an act of Christian charity that will ensure their entry into the kingdom of heaven. In fact, it is a dangerous and moronic practice and an invitation to get rear-ended by the car behind.

...Drivers, usually in SUVs, minivans, trucks, school buses, or other large vehicles who pull past you on your left at T-intersections, effectively blocking your line of sight and preventing you from making a right turn until they’re out of the way.

...Drivers who speed up when you’re passing them whether deliberately (a few) or unconsciously (most).

...Drivers, often in a Prius, Honda Civic, or other tiny car, who swing out wide to the left when making a right-hand turn. What the fuck do they think they’re driving?...An 18-wheeler?

...Drivers who blow their horns and turn purple and give you the finger when you spot a red light and slow down to give the light time to turn green and save you (and the car behind) the trouble of braking.

...Drivers who obey the minutiae of every idiotic speed limit which some dumb highway department has posted ─ five mph in the Peterborough dump, 25 mph around the bend at Dublin Lake, 55 mph on the Merritt Parkway, etc., etc., etc. Even in the police states of Massachusetts and Connecticut the cops know those limits are asinine. By the way, have you ever tried driving at five mph? The fucking speedometer doesn’t go that low.

...Drivers who become paralyzed at traffic circles and wait for a truck a quarter-mile away to enter before they dare move in. Some of these creeps actually come to a halt in the circle itself to let another vehicle enter. Amazing there aren’t more crashes.

...Drivers who think it’s clever and daring to get around a traffic jam by using the breakdown lane to pass the herd after which they bull back into the mainstream when the lane runs out. It’s not clever. It’s not daring. It’s just fucking rude.

...Drivers who stop several car lengths behind another auto at an intersection with a right-hand exit lane thus forcing the car behind to wait for the light to change before he can make a turn.

...Drivers who speed up when you’re trying to merge from the center lane into the exit lane. I suppose they took their driving lessons in New York City.

...Drivers in the High Occupancy Vehicle lane who go slower than the regular traffic. These dorks are the reason HOV lanes are empty most of the time. They ought to do away with HOV lanes. They’re just ridiculous feel-good wastes of concrete. Kinda like those "New Mother" spaces in supermarket parking lots.

...Drivers who function as rolling traffic barricades by lining up two or three or four abreast on Interstates so that no one can pass. I assume they think they’re some kind of self-appointed civilian speed-limit enforcers.

...Drivers in convertibles with the tops down and stupid English-style driving caps on their balding middle-aged pates. These jerks aren’t dangerous or rude or intrusive or careless. They just piss me off on general principles.

Norm Mack, Peterborough, dog@myfairpoint.net

New Hampshire's First-in-the-Nation Primary Redux

2011-12-20T17:31:11Z

    In October 2009 I posted an impassioned plea for the abolition of New Hampshire's First-In-the-Nation Primary.
    Unfortunately, my well-reasoned catalogue of lies and exaggerations fell on deaf ears or, perhaps, no ears at all.
    In any event, with another upcoming First-in-the-Nation Primary currently enveloping the citizens of the Granite State like a toxic fog, I feel it altogether fitting and proper to repost the post (or, if you prefer, republish the publish). Everything in the article remains as invalid as the day it was written..

   The First-in-the-Nation New Hampshire Primary: Time for Change

    There is a non-existent groundswell of ill-informed opinion among New Hampshire residents (you can see the ground swelling in back of my house where a leak in the water main is seeping into the soil) demanding that New Hampshire’s First-in-the-Nation Presidential Primary status be destroyed or repealed or whatever (assuming a status can be destroyed or repealed or whatever).
    With this goal in mind, a Community Action Group called ME, headed by me and consisting of me, has been formed to pressure our representatives in Concord, whoever they are, to take immediate action on this matter and also to have Nancy Pelosi earmark funds in her next appropriation bill naming ME as an organization entitled to regular injections of Federal stimulus money and recreational drugs.
    A resolution has been drafted by some of the finest legal minds at ME. It will soon be submitted to whomever it was I didn’t vote for in the last election as soon as I find out who he or she or it are or is. The Resolution follows

NEW HAMPSHIRE RESOLUTION BS-123456789-PDQ

Section I — WHEREASES {Acts of the Legislature, also known as Articles of Stupidity, are required to be prefaced with as many "whereases," as the lawyers can think of]

    WHEREAS the voters of New Hampshire have increasingly shown a tendency to select losing candidates in the Presidential Primary
        and
    WHEREAS the population of New Hampshire is ridiculously small compared to California, Massachusetts, and almost every other State
        and
    WHEREAS the population of New Hampshire is excessively white and heterosexual and therefore incapable of empathizing with people of different hues, facial features, literacy rates, sexual orientations, and congenital diseases
        and
    WHEREAS New Hampshirites are sick and tired of having their roadsides defaced every four years with thousands of red, white, and blue placards bearing the names of people they never met and probably wouldn’t invite into their homes if they did meet them
        and
    WHEREAS no one has ever been known to have been swayed from voting for someone like Chauncey Milkswonger because someone named Mary-Jo Frauncelot lined Route 101 in Keene with 1,000 expensive plastic pieces of crap while Milkswonger only sprang for 150 cheap cardboard pieces of crap
        and
    WHEREAS the citizens of New Hampshire are an aging population suffering from a variety of age-related illnesses such as baldness, ingrown toenails, bushy eyebrows, heartburn, Restless Leg Syndrome, and a tendency to shop at Walmart
        and
    WHEREAS said Elderly People do not wish to be interrupted at their dinner tables night after night by auto-dial phone calls from candidates hawking push polls
        and
    WHEREAS it is cruel and unconscionable to encourage politically active ladies from Peterborough to parade in front of Town Hall in inclement weather in their support hose, Murray Space Shoes, and bulky-knit sweaters carrying signs proclaiming their solidarity with the Taliban
        and
    WHEREAS all right-thinking New Hampshirites are already known to be in favor of Peace, Polar Bears, and Cheap Sources of Renewable Energy Through Magic, and are opposed to Wall Street, Big Oil, Windfall Profits, and the late President Bush
        and
    WHEREAS said Politically Correct New Hampshirites do not wish to be constantly interrupted, while they are watching Sex in the City reruns or the Woman With a Five-Hundred-Pound Tumor on the Discovery Health Channel, by commercials featuring Jean Shaheen speaking out in favor of Peace, Polar Bears, and Cheap Sources of Renewable Energy Through Magic, and condemning the evils of Wall Street, Big Oil, Windfall Profits, and the late President Bush
        and
    WHEREAS we have now run out of whereases

Section II — THEREFORES AND MOREOVERS

    BE IT THEREFORE highly resolved, that WE, the duly elected Senate and Legislature of New Hampshire meeting in Concord or someplace warmer, do hereby Proclaim that The Sovereign State of New Hampshire will henceforth and forever be the LAST state in the union to hold primaries
        and
    MOREOVER Should another state in this union or any other union have the audacity to attempt to horn in on our turf, the Secretary of State of New Hampshire (not Hillary Clinton; asshole), shall delay the New Hampshire primary further and further into the future to ensure that the New Hampshire Primary is the LAST in the Nation
        and
    THEREFORE AND MOREOVER Such action or actions shall be taken notwithstanding if such action or actions result in said primary occurring after the election ITSELF is DONE AND FINISHED.

-------------------

Friends and fellow Americans! You can help ME in this fight. Send your contributions to ME, care of me, Norm Mack. Please make your checks out to "Cash" so there won’t be any awkward questions from the Feds. Any contribution no matter how small will be appreciated in these difficult times. (However, $100 would be a nice round sum. Feel free to send more if you’ve hit the lottery or are drunk or feeble-minded.)
If you’re feeling lucky and FairPoint is having one of its good days, you can reach ME (me) at dog@myfairpoint.net. (I wish to hell they hadn’t stuck that "my" in front of "fairpoint." They are not my FairPoint and I don’t like them making me say that they are.)

Norm Mack, Peterborough, dog@myfairpoint.net

Pigs in a Poke

2011-12-15T13:00:00Z

Pig in a poke: A thing you buy without knowing its true nature or value, especially when you don’t inspect it beforehand. (In Israel the expression is "Cat in a Sack." I guess there’s no call for pork there.)

Most of the baker’s dozen of Presidents who have occupied the White House over the last 80 years have been okay. They range from the excellent (Harry Truman) to the pretty good (Roosevelt and Reagan) to the competent but flawed (Nixon and Johnson) to the fair-to-middling (the two Bushes and Clinton) to the weak (Kennedy) to the innocuous (Eisenhower and Ford).

    Of the 13, only two have been God-awful ─ Jimmy Carter and the present incumbent, Barack Obama.
    Carter was reputed to be bright and hard-working.
    Objective information about Obama’s intelligence or lack of same has been carefully shielded from the public leading many to assume that he’s a dunce. As far as work habits go, he doesn’t seem to have any.
    But aside from differences in IQs, SATs, and noses to the grindstone, the men share two far more vital characteristics:

Both were totally unfit to lead the nation.
Both were "Pigs in a Poke," voted into office by a dice-rolling electorate that let hope trump reason

    It’s easy to understand why the two men won their elections.
    Each ran against a weak opponent (Carter against Gerald Ford; Obama against John McCain).
    Carter’s narrow victory over Ford was helped by a lingering revulsion to Ford’s predecessor, Richard Nixon.
    Obama’s sound thrashing of McCain was ensured by the overwhelming support given him by a politicized media establishment, by a public that was eager to show its racial tolerance, and by an outrageously partisan Black voting block that cast 95% of its ballots for its native son.
    There is a more significant question than the election itself, however: Why were two nobodies like Obama and Carter nominated by their party in the first place?
    The answer is not hard to find once you realize that Liberalism is not a coherent political philosophy based on rational thought or enlightened self-interest, but is, rather, a religion, and that all too often it is the Liberal tail that wags the Democrat dog.
    That Liberalism is a religion is not a very original concept. Try Googling "Liberalism Is a Religion" and you’ll get close to 700,000 hits, an impressive number when compared, say, to the 90,000 or so you’ll get by Googling the popular search phrase "J Lo’s Ass."
    In addition to hallmark qualities shared by other religions and cults ─ Hatred, Irrationality, Intolerance, Fanaticism , and Blind Faith ─ Liberalism also suffers from an even more dangerous religious characteristic ─ the yearning for a Messiah, a superhuman leader who will arise like Gilgamesh, sword in hand, to save the world from the barbarians (i.e., conservatives, moderates, rednecks, born-again Christians, White heterosexual Males, and Sarah Palin).
    In the past, we have had a succession of would-be Liberal saviors.
    The trend seems to have started with FDR who, in addition to being an inspirational wartime leader, was looked upon as the physical embodiment of Jehovah by all good Liberals and whose god-head was frequently affirmed by Henry Fonda and other Hollywood luminaries.
    Here’s a list of other Liberals who have aspired to Messiahdom and have come and gone like King Lear’s packs and sects of great ones, that ebb and flow by the moon.

● Henry Agard Wallace, FDR’s one-time far-left vice president, whose failed attempt to defeat Harry Truman bitterly disappointed left-wing Democrats, the Communist parry, and my mother.
● Adlai Stevenson, two-time loser to Dwight Eisenhower, whose genteel manners and professorial demeanor enraptured gay voters, Leonard Bernstein, and the city of Madison, Wisconsin.
● Mario Cuomo, the golden-tongued boy orator of the Plains and Albany, NY, who electrified the 1984 Democrat convention with a ringing keynote oration about absolutely nothing at all.
● Howard Dean whose 2004 "I Have a Scream" speech after losing the Iowa caucus was unfairly used against him by almost everyone with any common sense.
● Eugene McCarthy who ended Lyndon Johnson’s political career with a near victory in the 1968 New Hampshire Primary based on his opposition to the Vietnam War ─ after which he was never heard from again.
● George McGovern, the man who replaced the murdered Robert Kennedy in Liberal affections and was the Democrat presidential candidate in 1968 and 1972. He managed to get clobbered both times despite columnist Mary McGrory’s tear-drenched editorial pleas.

    Blessedly, the country was spared the depredations that would have been wrought by this ragtag collection of incompetents, weaklings, weirdoes, flash-in-the-pans, and one-shot wonders.
    Perhaps luck will again be on the nation’s side when and if our current Boob-in-Chief vacates the White House, but I fear that the American public’s tendency to gamble its future on left-wing Pigs-in-the-Poke will not die out and that false Messiah after false Messiah will continue to erupt like poisonous toadstools from the rotted manure of Liberalism’s godless religion.
    There may be a special providence for drunkards, fools, and the United States of America as Otto von Bismark was reputed to have said, but even the most fortunate gambler eventually runs out of luck.
    If our democracy ever fails and dictatorship does come to America, it will not be in the form of a ranting megalomaniac like Adolf Hitler...or a sadistic, manipulative party-hack like Joseph Stalin...or a corrupt demagogue like Huey Long...or an iron-fisted lunatic like Mao Zedong...or a drunken adventurer like Joseph McCarthy.
    It will arrive slowly and subtly in the shape of a duly-elected Pig-in-the-Poke populist President who, like Julius Caesar seduces the masses with promises of helping the "little man" against "Wall Street," who suppresses free speech in the name of "ensuring fairness in the press," who mobilizes "the youth" to riot in the street against "injustice," who claims to fight wealth disparities by stealing from the rich and giving to the government, who packs the courts with party henchmen, who governs by executive fiat rather than by legislative act, and who, finally, gains control over the armed forces via the installation of crony loyalists as civilian and military overseers.
    For those who care about freedom and liberty ─ that is to say, anybody who doesn’t worship at the shrine of Liberalism ─ don’t say you've not been warned..

Norm Mack, Peterborough, dog@myfairpoint.net

Study Shows Sugary Soft Drinks Cause Inner City Crime

2011-12-08T13:00:00Z

    David Hemenway of the Harvard School of Public Health, (as opposed to the Harvard School of Private Health) is stunned (but not rendered speechless) by the results of his recent, well-funded and highly-publicized study of beverage consumption among inner city teens.
    According to the AFP (Agence France-Presse), Prof. Hemenway discovered that the more soft drinks a teenager consumes, the more attacks he launches against classmates, enemies, girlfriends, ho’s, bro’s, relatives, teachers, whitey, and just about anyone unfortunate enough to cross his path.
    "It was shocking to us when we saw how clear the relationship was," the professor said as he mopped sweat from his brow, choked back tears, and blew his nose.
    Hemenway went on to explain that more than 1,875 teenagers (1,878 to be precise), almost all of them African-American, Hispanic, or some sort of admixture, were asked how many carbonated non-diet soft drinks they had consumed in the previous seven days. They were also asked whether they drank alcohol, smoked, carried a weapon or showed violence towards peers, family members and "partners. "
    What emerged, said Hemenway, was strong evidence of "dose response," demonstrating that teenage rapes, muggings, stabbings, shootings, hair pullings, sucker punchings, bitings, burnings, axings, etc. were caused by the excessive consumption of fizzy sodas* much as obesity is caused by overdosing on McDonalds’ French fries, and Congress is caused by too many politicians.
    Even more incredibly phenomenal, Hemenway also unearthed the astonishing fact that crime rates were much higher among inner city youths than among teenagers living in the wealthier suburbs where, presumably, the consumption of sugary carbonated beverages was far lower and the intake of arugala, latte, tofu, and vodka tonics much higher.
    The brand names of the guilty drinks have not yet been released nor has the exact mathematical relationship between soft drink intake and violence. (Preliminary analysis suggests that 3 cans Coke × 2 cans Pepsi + 1/2 can Sprite = 2 statutory rapes + 1/3 of a mugging.)

* * *

Inspired by Professor Hemenway’s groundbreaking, earthshaking, and mind-boggling research, Dome of Glass has undertaken a battery of similar studies in hopes of obtaining fat grants from the federal government, state government, and forward-looking universities such as Cornell, Harvard, Yale, and Fairleigh Dickinson.
Here are some early fruits and vegetables of these studies plucked from various trees, bushes, weeds, shrubs, and algae.

● A stunningly amazing NIH- (National Institutes of Health) funded investigation of 3,872 cases of gang-related murders in Chicago in August 2006, found that 99 percent of the homicides involved males and females between the ages of five and 93. A statistical breakdown of the results also uncovered the astounding fact that 22.6 percent of the black male victims had eaten at McDonalds’s or other "fast-food" establishments during the week leading up to their deaths while an even more disturbing 86.7 percent of Hispanic female victims had either shopped at or shoplifted from Walmart during the same period.
● A joint study with the police departments of Jaffrey and Peterborough uncovered the shocking fact that over 63 percent of men and women convicted of DWI in the period between August 3, 1927, and September, 13, 2005, were wearing pants at the time of their arrest while only 22 percent were wearing skirts. (The remainder were either were naked or dressed in culottes except for two men who had their flies open at the time of apprehension and were not included in the statistics.) In another incredible revelation, 79 percent of the trousered group were found to have either boxer shorts or jockey shorts beneath their pants (four respondents had jockey shorts outside their pants) while 36 percent of the skirt contingent were wearing no underwear at all.
● A new study of 6,714 hunting fatalities in Vermont and New Hampshire in the years 1892, 1918, 1975, and 2001 through 2007 found that soft-drink consumption was significantly higher among bow-and-arrow manslaughterers than shotgun and rifle manslaughterers. Moreover, 98 percent of all respondents acknowledged having consumed one or more glasses of water in the one-week period prior to the killing whereas only 87 percent had more than twice the legal limit of alcohol in their blood streams. Although most deaths were attributed by police to mistaken identity (man for moose, wife for deer, grandfather for bear, child for bunny rabbit, pet dog for mother-in-law) it is noteworthy that only five deer, one moose, two bunny rabbits, one mother-in-law, and no bears were bagged in the same period. The study also found that more than 50 percent of the shooters were retired policemen and 97.3 percent of the shootees were in-laws of the shooter.
● In a CBS-New York Times-Dome of Glass study of fatalities and crippling accidents in the 20th and 21st centuries involving people with the surname Kennedy, a startling contrast emerged between Kennedies who had inherited nest eggs of more than $200 million (27 deaths, five murders, 145 fractures, 217 stints in rehab, 17 plane crashes) and Kennedies with annual incomes below $50,000 (two bad hair days and three damaged nail cuticles). Greek-American savant George Stephanopoulos, co-head of the research team, said, "I was stunned to discover this correlation between great wealth and bad luck." When it was pointed out that all of the bad luck originated from Hyannis Port, Massachusetts, Mr. Stephanopoulos said regression analysis had shown it to be a "statistical quirk" which had been discounted by himself and impartial ombudsperson Nancy Pelosi.
● A cross-cultural study by Norm Mack of Peterborough, New Hampshire (which he hopes will soon be funded by UNESCO) has turned up a remarkable correlation between the non-consumption of mashed plantain root and the incidence of traffic accidents among Caucasian grandmothers. In-depth interviews with 58,799 Ugandan and Botswanan grandmothers, all of them regular eaters of mashed plantain root, found not a single fender-bender, head-on crash, or other automobile-connected incident that involved a white woman. In contrast, a survey of Swedish female drivers of similar age, none of whom had eaten any mashed plantain root, showed that blond, white-skinned grandmothers had damaged or obliterated more than 2,700 Volvos during the previous 10-year period. Legislation currently making its way though the Swedish Reichstag will require all fair-haired whitish women of non-child-bearing age to eat at least two 216 mg servings of mashed plantain every day.

* During a Question-and-Answer session following the AFP interview, a New Hampshire malcontent was taken into custody by police on charges of bigotry after asking whether teenagers who smoke, drink, snort cocaine, shoot dope, carry firearms, smoke crack cocaine, beat up girls, rob, and murder might also enjoy a refreshing can of Coke after each rampage.

Norm Mack, Peterborough, dog@myfairpoint.net

Dogbert to Ratbert: "Follow Me! I'll Make You Dead"

2011-12-05T22:45:33Z

Whaddya know! I'm not the only person in the world who thinks that mobs like the Occupy Whatever assholes are a bunch of sheep being herded by fascist sheepdogs.

Norm Mack, Peterborough, dog@myfairpoint.net

So Long Barney, Its Been Bad To Know Ya (Via Michael Ramirez)

2011-12-02T15:49:08Z

They say it ain't over till the fat lady sings.
Well Fat Barney's warbled her farewell aria...Let's pray she means it.

Norm Mack, Peterborought, dog@myfairpoint.net

Alas, Poor Barney ─ 'Tis Pity He's a Whore

2011-12-01T13:00:00Z

                                 This is the ugliest photo I could find of Frank, but the
                                            rest aren't much better. Maybe I should photoshop
                                            one or two. I'll bet Barney would like that, it's his style

    Someone reading Dome of Glass might think that I have some sort of visceral dislike, even hatred, for long-time Massachusetts Democrat Representative Barney Frank.
    Well, if you’re laboring under such a suspicion, this is to let you know that you’re absolutely right.
    I loathe Frank. I loathe his blubbery face. I loathe his immoral behavior. I loathe his attack-dog politics. And I loathe the lies, evasions, viciousness, and moral cowardice that characterize the man.
    By coincidence (this post was already written pre-Thanksgiving) Frank announced on Monday that he will not seek reelection. Of course, if you’re familiar with the behavior of the Massachusetts pimp, he may very well yield to the pleas of his loyal constituency of idiots, fag hags, and congenital Liberals and rise from his silk-lined coffin like Dracula to seek re-election.

* * *

My detestation of Frank (as opposed to mere revulsion) is nothing new, but was solidified a few months ago when I happened to remote* onto Bill O’Reilly exchanging insults with the Massachusetts brothel operator ** Before I was able to switch channels, I was rendered immobile by the yawning chasm of Frank’s mouth as it ejaculated a torrential sewer of fabrications, half-truths, and spittle concerning, as I recall, the cause of the 2008 housing bubble and the ensuing worldwide economic downturn.
Amazingly, the Massachusetts gay panderer was able to shout down even O’Reilly, an acknowledged master of the put-down, shut-down, and turn-off as he blamed the catastrophe on Big Banks, Big Oil, Republican Lobbyists, Right-Wing Conservatives, Henry Kissinger, Wall Street Speculators, the Tea Party, George W. Bush, Ronald Reagan, Southern Baptists, and ─ if memory serves ─ George Washington, the Gabor sisters, the Ku Klux Klan, and the Three Stooges.

Let’s set the record straight.

The recession that engulfed America, Europe, and most of the developed world is the direct result of policies promulgated by BARNEY FRANK, ramrodded through congress by BARNEY FRANK, and forced down the throats of financial institutions by BARNEY FRANK.

It was Frank, with his motor-mouth, his machinations, and his threats (all wrapped in standard Liberal pita as "help for the poor, the needy, and the blacks") that coerced and duped and bullied presidents and courts and legislators into pursuing the ruinous, irrational fiscal policies that led to the wreckage we see today.
"I was blinded by ideology," Frank is quoted as having whined before switching back into attack-dog mode and laying the blame for the fiasco on the very financial institutions his racist policies forced into their shotgun wedding with "subprime" mortgagees; i.e., people who could never and would never be able to repay their loans.

Here's some relevant commentary:

November 1, 2011, New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg addressing the Occupy Wall Street mob

"It was not the banks that created the mortgage crisis. It was, plain and simple, Congress, who forced everybody to go and give mortgages to people who were on the cusp. ...They were the ones who pushed Fannie and Freddie *** to make a bunch of loans that were imprudent, if you will."

2003, Barney Frank

"I do not want the same kind of focus on safety and soundness [in the regulation of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac] that we have in the Office of the Comptroller of the Currency and the Office of Thrift Supervision. I want to roll the dice a little bit more..."

October 20, 2010, Syndicated Columnist Tom Sowell,

"You would be hardpressed to find a politician who is less frank than U.S. Rep. Barney Frank. Even in an occupation where truth and candor are often lacking, Frank is in a class by himself when it comes to rewriting history in creative ways...No one contributed more to the policies behind the housing boom and bust, which led to the economic disaster we are now in, than Barney Frank. His powerful position on the House Committee on Financial Services gave him leverage to force through legislation and policies that pressured banks and other lenders to grant mortgage loans to people who would not qualify under the standards that had long prevailed, and had long made mortgage loans among the safest investments around.".

November 12, 2011, John Hinderaker, Powerline

"If there is a single face of the financial crisis, it is probably Barney Frank, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac’s chief Congressional patron, who shouted down all warnings and resisted all efforts to bring those agencies under control."

2004, Rep. Barney Frank

"I believe that we, as the federal government, have probably done too little rather than too much to push them [the banks] to meet the goals of affordable housing...I would like to get Fannie and Freddie more deeply into helping low-income housing."

September 20, 1999, Stephen Holmes, New York Times

"Fannie Mae, the nation's biggest underwriter of home mortgages, has been under increasing pressure from the Clinton Administration to expand mortgage loans among low and moderate income people...In moving, even tentatively, into this new area of lending, Fannie Mae is taking on significantly more risk, which may not pose any difficulties during flush economic times. But the government-subsidized corporation may run into trouble in an economic downturn, prompting a government rescue similar to that of the savings and loan industry in the 1980's.‘From the perspective of many people, including me, this is another thrift industry growing up around us,’ said Peter Wallison a resident fellow at the American Enterprise Institute. ‘If they fail, the government will have to step up and bail them out the way it stepped up and bailed out the thrift industry.’"

2003, Barney Frank, (when asked if taxpayers might have to bail out Fannie and Freddie in the event of a meltdown)

"There is no guarantee [of a Federal bailout]...there is no explicit guarantee, there is no implicit guarantee, there is no wink-and-nod guarantee."

December 30, 2009, John Hinderaker, Powerline

"When a private citizen like Bernie Madoff commits fraud, he gets a long jail sentence. But when Barney Frank, Nancy Pelosi, and the well-connected (and now rich) Democrats who headed Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae commit fraud ─ on a far larger scale ─ they simply send the bill to the taxpayers. Or, rather, the taxpayers' children."

Barney Frank is the most reprehensible and disgusting excuse for a human being that has ever been voted into office by a blind, ignorant, partisan, and bigoted electorate.

Norm Mack, Peterborough, dog@myfairpoint.net

* For the record, I don’t watch the assholes that infest evening television.─ O’Reilly, Schultz, Hannity, Maddow, O‘Donnell, Schieffer, Cooper, and the other bullshit artists who make money spewing claptrap about things of which they know less than nothing for an audience that is even more ignorant than they are. An exception to my boycott is Keith Olbermann whom I watch for a minute or two now and then (I don’t have the stomach for longer sojourns) to keep abreast of what American Nazis are up to.

** In 1989 Frank was living with one Steve Gobie, a male homosexual prostitute who practiced his profession from Frank's apartment. When the matter came to light, Frank claimed he had no knowledge that his home was being used as a brothel. Right. And O. J. Simpson didn’t kill his wife, Bill Clinton never had sex with Monica Lewinsky, the Holocaust never happened, and Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus..

*** Fannie and Freddie are short for Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, which in turn are nicknames for the Federal National Mortgage Association and the Federal Home Loan Mortgage Corporation, respectively. Both are quasi governmental bodies that underpin the mortgage market and whose collapse in 2008 cost American taxpayers between $100 billion and $300 billion depending on which book-cooking federal agency you choose to believe. ($95 million of those tax dollars went to lucrative pay packages for the firms' top executives )