The Case of the Airborne Asian

    Many people, on the surface tolerant and politically correct, when in private and drinking heavily evidence an antipathy bordering on hatred toward lawyers and their corollary brethren such as judges, politicians, used car salesmen, and sneak thieves.
    In defense of the judiciary and the legal profession ─ as well as other dedicated and wealthy members of the criminal class ─ we must bear in mind the wise old chestnut: "It’s a dirty business, but somebody has to do it."
    Although it is not at all obvious why "somebody has to do it," I nevertheless feel that judges and lawyers should be accorded the same consideration and revulsion reserved for those engaged in other unpleasant activities such as undertakers and proctologists.
    Ask yourself ─ where would Jimmy Carter be today if not for his many government-sponsored visits to his favorite colorectal surgeon to have a camera shoved up his ass?
    But regardless of whether or not judges, attorneys, politicians, and Jimmy Carter are essential to the world’s well-being, there is no question that they are often required to make decisions that may have far-reaching and dire implications for humanity yet hinge on the finest and most ridiculous of logical hairs.
    Such was the recent gut-wrenching matter of Hiroyuki Joho’s flying body parts.
    Not since Solomon recommended chopping a baby in half to settle an ownership dispute between two ladies has there been such a tendentious, not to say disgusting, legal issue.
    Here are the facts according to the Chicago Tribune:

    In 2008, Hiroyuki Joho, 18, was hurrying in the pouring rain with an umbrella over his head, trying to catch an inbound Metra train at the Edgebrook station that was due to arrive in about five minutes when he was struck by a southbound Amtrak train traveling at more than 70 mph.
    Several witnesses said he was smiling at them as the train hit him.
    A large portion of his body was thrown about 100 feet onto the southbound platform, where it struck Gayane Zokhrabov, then 58 [that would make her 61 now, if you’re too lazy or stupid to do the math ─ Ed.] who was waiting to catch the 8:17 a.m. train to work. She was knocked to the ground, her leg and wrist broken and her shoulder injured. A Cook County judge dismissed Zokhrabov’s lawsuit against Joho’s estate, finding that Joho could not have anticipated Zokhrabov’s injuries.
    A state appeals court, after noting that the case law involving "flying bodies" is sparse, has disagreed, ruling that "it was reasonably foreseeable" that the high-speed train would kill Joho and fling his body down the tracks toward a platform where people were waiting.
    Leslie Rosen, who handled Zokhrabov’s appeal, said while the circumstances of the case were "very peculiar and gory and creepy," it ultimately was a straightforward negligence case, no different than if a train passenger had been injured after the engineer hit the brakes. "If you do something as stupid as this guy did you have to be responsible for what comes from it," she said.
    Joho’s mother, Jeung-Hee Park, who had just dropped him off before the accident, filed her own lawsuit against Metra and the Canadian Pacific Railway. The lawsuit said both entities were negligent because Joho had no warning that what he thought was his Metra train was actually an express Amtrak train.

    Clearly, the only person in full possession of his or her faculties in the entire sordid affair was Leslie Rosen, Madame Zokhrabov’s lawyer, who used the straightforward English words "creepy" and "stupid" rather than resorting to legal crap such as a certiorari, habeas corpus, amicus curiae, nolo contendere, and nexium.
    Although the names of the distinguished members of the judicial panel have been censored to protect them from reprisal by enraged Korean émigrés, it is my opinion (without any evidence whatsoever) that the bench was influenced by the fact that Lawyer Rosen is what is known in legal circles as "hot." (I have it on no authority, that one panelist, Judge "X," was seen making out with Leslie in the back seat of his Mercedes and that requests by Mr. Joho’s corpse to recuse Judge X in vitro were refused in vino veritas.)



   A Google of  "Leslie Rosen" yielded this clip. Is it any wonder the judges found in favor of her client?

    Because the deceased’s bank account is not yet exhausted and a large portion of his line of credit with Citibank MasterCard remains untapped, there will be a series of appeals right up to and through the Illinois’ Semi-Supreme Court, the Illinois’ Higher Supreme Court, and the Illinois’ Double Secret Supreme Court with justice Rod Blagojevich presiding.
    Should these lower court appeals not produce the desired results, Madame Jeung-Hee Park’s team of ex-KGB agents is prepared to run the case through the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals, the United States Supreme Court, the Permanent Court of International Justice in the Hague, and, should all else fail, to Judge Judy herself.
    Since the defendant in the case of Zokhrabov v. Joho’s Entrails is a mutilated corpse, the Joho team has settled on famed dead O. J. Simpson Dream Team lawyer Johnnie Cochran (b. October 2, 1937 – d. March 29, 2005) to act as lead cadaver in the appeals process.
    Mr. Cochran's ghost graciously consented to an interview with Dome of Glass.
    Speaking with the aid of the well-known medium, Madame Defarge of French Revolution fame, Mr. Cochran outlined his plan of action.
    "We gonna focus ourself on the size, velocities, and types of Mistah Joho’s body parts which ‘legedly struck the bitch. Y’ followin’ me?
    "Wuz they goin’ five miles a hour? Ten miles a hour? Fifty miles a hour?
    "Wuz they a cop with a legalized radar gun or some such in th’ vicinity? Y’ followin’ me?
    "Wuz the cop a member of an authorizing minority or wuz he some kinda honky bigot prick that have it in for people of color, like brown or tan or yellow or orange or whatsomever like myself? Y’ followin’ me?
    "An’ ‘nother thin’ ─ Did he give th’ Miranda rights to Mistah Joho’s pieces whilst they wuz still airborne?
    "An’ like even more importantly, jus’ what percentilage of Mistah Joho’s body parts wuz shootin’ an’ zoomin’ ‘bout through th’ air?
    "An ‘nother thin’, like, I mean why dint the dumb bitch duck outta th’ way when a nose or elbow or ass-bone wuz headed her direction?
    "Like if th’ gook’s skullcase an a bunch o’ other attached shit wuz comin towards the cunt, you’d think she’d have the smarts t’ drop flat or leastwise turn her back ‘stead o’ takin’ it full in th’ belly or armpit or whatsomever. Y’ followin’ me?
    "An’ ‘nother thin’.─ how wuz Mistah Joho s’posed to know which, y’know, organs an’ bones and tissues of hisself is gonna be pointin’ theyselves toward Miz Zumbach or ZumZum or Zuckerman or whatsomever the fuck the mo fo be callin’ herself?
    "Y’ followin’ me? Like s’pose it be nuthin’ more than some kinda spongy lung stuff or mebbe some hunks o’ pancras or liver or mebbe th’ guys balls an’ dick unit or somethin’? Won’t do nuthin’ harmful to the ho but maybe squish her titties and mess her up her dress a bit, y’know."
    "Ah mean, mebbe we ‘gree t’ pay the cleanin’ bill, y’know, jus’ to shut the whole fuckin’ jumbalaya down outta court, y’know. But if th’ bitch think she gonna get her Rooski claws into Mistah Joho’s pants pocket which nobody know where the fuck it is anyhow, she got another think comin'.
    "An’ like what ‘bout th’ umbrella? Did it mebbe impinge upon Zabriskie or Zimbum or whatsomever the bitch name be an’ get itself damaged? Them Ko-reens got a claim right there, y’know, for unauthorized damagin’.
    "Like Ah always say, 'If th' 'brella be trash, they gotta pay cash.'
    "Y’ followin’ me?"

Norm Mack, Peterborough, dog@myfairpoint.net

Posted by dome of glass at 1/5/2012 8:00 AM
Categories: Satire
Tags: lawyers judges Johnnie Cochran
 

What did you think of this article?




Trackbacks
Trackback specific URL for this post
  • No trackbacks exist for this post.
Comments
  • No comments exist for this post.
Leave a comment

Submitted comments are subject to moderation before being displayed.

 Enter the above security code (required)

 Name

 Email (will not be published)

 Website

Your comment is 0 characters limited to 3000 characters.