Study Shows Sugary Soft Drinks Cause Inner City Crime

    David Hemenway of the Harvard School of Public Health, (as opposed to the Harvard School of Private Health) is stunned (but not rendered speechless) by the results of his recent, well-funded and highly-publicized study of beverage consumption among inner city teens.
    According to the AFP (Agence France-Presse), Prof. Hemenway discovered that the more soft drinks a teenager consumes, the more attacks he launches against classmates, enemies, girlfriends, ho’s, bro’s, relatives, teachers, whitey, and just about anyone unfortunate enough to cross his path.
    "It was shocking to us when we saw how clear the relationship was," the professor said as he mopped sweat from his brow, choked back tears, and blew his nose.
    Hemenway went on to explain that more than 1,875 teenagers (1,878 to be precise), almost all of them African-American, Hispanic, or some sort of admixture, were asked how many carbonated non-diet soft drinks they had consumed in the previous seven days. They were also asked whether they drank alcohol, smoked, carried a weapon or showed violence towards peers, family members and "partners. "
    What emerged, said Hemenway, was strong evidence of "dose response," demonstrating that teenage rapes, muggings, stabbings, shootings, hair pullings, sucker punchings, bitings, burnings, axings, etc. were caused by the excessive consumption of fizzy sodas* much as obesity is caused by overdosing on McDonalds’ French fries, and Congress is caused by too many politicians.
    Even more incredibly phenomenal, Hemenway also unearthed the astonishing fact that crime rates were much higher among inner city youths than among teenagers living in the wealthier suburbs where, presumably, the consumption of sugary carbonated beverages was far lower and the intake of arugala, latte, tofu, and vodka tonics much higher.
    The brand names of the guilty drinks have not yet been released nor has the exact mathematical relationship between soft drink intake and violence. (Preliminary analysis suggests that 3 cans Coke × 2 cans Pepsi + 1/2 can Sprite = 2 statutory rapes + 1/3 of a mugging.)

* * *

    Inspired by Professor Hemenway’s groundbreaking, earthshaking, and mind-boggling research, Dome of Glass has undertaken a battery of similar studies in hopes of obtaining fat grants from the federal government, state government, and forward-looking universities such as Cornell, Harvard, Yale, and Fairleigh Dickinson.
    Here are some early fruits and vegetables of these studies plucked from various trees, bushes, weeds, shrubs, and algae.

● A stunningly amazing NIH- (National Institutes of Health) funded investigation of 3,872 cases of gang-related murders in Chicago in August 2006, found that 99 percent of the homicides involved males and females between the ages of five and 93. A statistical breakdown of the results also uncovered the astounding fact that 22.6 percent of the black male victims had eaten at McDonalds’s or other "fast-food" establishments during the week leading up to their deaths while an even more disturbing 86.7 percent of Hispanic female victims had either shopped at or shoplifted from Walmart during the same period.
● A joint study with the police departments of Jaffrey and Peterborough uncovered the shocking fact that over 63 percent of men and women convicted of DWI in the period between August 3, 1927, and September, 13, 2005, were wearing pants at the time of their arrest while only 22 percent were wearing skirts. (The remainder were either were naked or dressed in culottes except for two men who had their flies open at the time of apprehension and were not included in the statistics.) In another incredible revelation, 79 percent of the trousered group were found to have either boxer shorts or jockey shorts beneath their pants (four respondents had jockey shorts outside their pants) while 36 percent of the skirt contingent were wearing no underwear at all.
● A new study of 6,714 hunting fatalities in Vermont and New Hampshire in the years 1892, 1918, 1975, and 2001 through 2007 found that soft-drink consumption was significantly higher among bow-and-arrow manslaughterers than shotgun and rifle manslaughterers. Moreover, 98 percent of all respondents acknowledged having consumed one or more glasses of water in the one-week period prior to the killing whereas only 87 percent had more than twice the legal limit of alcohol in their blood streams. Although most deaths were attributed by police to mistaken identity (man for moose, wife for deer, grandfather for bear, child for bunny rabbit, pet dog for mother-in-law) it is noteworthy that only five deer, one moose, two bunny rabbits, one mother-in-law, and no bears were bagged in the same period. The study also found that more than 50 percent of the shooters were retired policemen and 97.3 percent of the shootees were in-laws of the shooter.
● In a CBS-New York Times-Dome of Glass study of fatalities and crippling accidents in the 20th and 21st centuries involving people with the surname Kennedy, a startling contrast emerged between Kennedies who had inherited nest eggs of more than $200 million (27 deaths, five murders, 145 fractures, 217 stints in rehab, 17 plane crashes) and Kennedies with annual incomes below $50,000 (two bad hair days and three damaged nail cuticles). Greek-American savant George Stephanopoulos, co-head of the research team, said, "I was stunned to discover this correlation between great wealth and bad luck." When it was pointed out that all of the bad luck originated from Hyannis Port, Massachusetts, Mr. Stephanopoulos said regression analysis had shown it to be a "statistical quirk" which had been discounted by himself and impartial ombudsperson Nancy Pelosi.
● A cross-cultural study by Norm Mack of Peterborough, New Hampshire (which he hopes will soon be funded by UNESCO) has turned up a remarkable correlation between the non-consumption of mashed plantain root and the incidence of traffic accidents among Caucasian grandmothers. In-depth interviews with 58,799 Ugandan and Botswanan grandmothers, all of them regular eaters of mashed plantain root, found not a single fender-bender, head-on crash, or other automobile-connected incident that involved a white woman. In contrast, a survey of Swedish female drivers of similar age, none of whom had eaten any mashed plantain root, showed that blond, white-skinned grandmothers had damaged or obliterated more than 2,700 Volvos during the previous 10-year period. Legislation currently making its way though the Swedish Reichstag will require all fair-haired whitish women of non-child-bearing age to eat at least two 216 mg servings of mashed plantain every day.

* During a Question-and-Answer session following the AFP interview, a New Hampshire malcontent was taken into custody by police on charges of bigotry after asking whether teenagers who smoke, drink, snort cocaine, shoot dope, carry firearms, smoke crack cocaine, beat up girls, rob, and murder might also enjoy a refreshing can of Coke after each rampage.

Norm Mack, Peterborough, dog@myfairpoint.net
Posted by dome of glass at 12/8/2011 8:00 AM
Categories: Science, Satire
Tags: Hemenway
 

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